Why You Keep Putting Off What Matters Most After Life Changes

Have you ever promised yourself that tomorrow would be different?

Tomorrow, you'll make that phone call. Next week, you'll sign up for that class. When things settle down, you'll start exploring new possibilities for your future.

You have good intentions. You know these things could improve your life.

But tomorrow comes, and nothing changes.

You find another reason to wait. Maybe you need more information. Perhaps you're too busy. Or maybe you're simply not feeling ready.

Before you know it, weeks or even months have passed.

And you're still putting off something that matters to you.

What if the real reason you're procrastinating has less to do with what you need to do and more to do with how you feel about doing it?

When you're rebuilding your life after an unexpected setback, the answer isn't always as simple as trying harder or managing your time better.

Sometimes, you need to understand what you're avoiding before you can begin moving forward.

When Procrastination Becomes a Form of Protection

Imagine you've recently gone through a divorce.

You want to make new friends and develop a social life that doesn't revolve around your former marriage.

You've researched local groups, found an interesting event, and even added it to your calendar.

But when the day arrives, you decide not to go.

You tell yourself you're tired. Maybe you'll attend next month. Or perhaps you convince yourself that the group probably isn't a good fit anyway.

But beneath those explanations, something else may be happening.

You're nervous about walking into a room where you don't know anyone. You wonder whether people will accept you. And attending alone reminds you how much your life has changed.

Staying home provides immediate relief from those uncomfortable feelings.

But it also keeps you from experiencing something you genuinely want: meaningful connections.

This is one way avoidance can become a habit.

Research supports this connection between procrastination and emotions.

Psychologists Fuschia Sirois and Timothy Pychyl found that procrastination often involves trying to improve how we feel in the moment. 

When a task brings uncomfortable emotions, putting it off may provide temporary relief. But that relief can come at the expense of our long-term goals.

Avoidance may help you feel better in the moment while keeping you from making changes that matter to you.

And the longer you avoid something, the more difficult it may begin to feel.

This doesn't mean you're lazy or lack determination. It means there may be an emotional reason behind your hesitation that deserves your attention.

Four Reasons You May Be Putting Off What Matters

Procrastination can happen for many reasons. Sometimes, it's about competing responsibilities or not having the resources you need.

But after a major life change, emotional barriers can also play an important role.

Here are four worth considering.

1. You're Avoiding Uncomfortable Emotions

After an unexpected setback, even positive changes can bring difficult feelings.

You might want to start dating again, but the idea brings back memories of rejection.

You may want to explore a new career, but you're uncomfortable being a beginner after years of experience in another field.

Or perhaps you're considering moving to a new home, but making that decision reminds you of everything you've lost.

Sometimes, it's easier to avoid the activity than experience the emotions associated with it.

The challenge is that avoiding uncomfortable feelings doesn't necessarily make them disappear.

And when avoidance becomes your usual response, it can limit the choices you're willing to make.

What to try: Instead of immediately asking, "What do I need to do?" ask yourself, "What am I feeling when I think about doing it?"

Name the emotion without judging yourself.

You might discover that you're not avoiding the activity itself. You're avoiding the fear, sadness, embarrassment, or uncertainty you expect to experience.

Recognizing that difference can help you decide how to respond.

2. You're Afraid of Another Disappointment

When life has already brought unexpected losses, taking another chance can feel risky.

Perhaps you've tried to build new friendships, only to feel excluded. Maybe you've applied for jobs without receiving an offer. Or you've invested time and energy in something that didn't work out.

After experiencing disappointment, it's understandable to become cautious.

You may begin thinking:

• "What if I try and nothing changes?"
• "What if I make the wrong choice?"
• "What if I get my hopes up and end up disappointed again?"

Sometimes, avoiding a decision feels safer than risking another setback.

But here's something worth considering.

Not making a decision is also a choice, and that choice has consequences.

You can't guarantee that every effort will work out the way you hope. But you can consider whether the possibility of disappointment is worth preventing yourself from trying.

What to try: Ask yourself, "If this doesn't work out the way I hope, how could I respond?"

Think about what you might learn, what support you could seek, and what options would still be available.

The goal isn't to eliminate every risk. It's to recognize that you may be capable of handling an outcome you can't predict.

3. You're Mentally Exhausted From Making Decisions

Major life changes often create responsibilities you never expected.

After a divorce, you may suddenly find yourself making financial, household, and personal decisions that you previously shared with someone else.

Following a health crisis, you may face new routines, appointments, and lifestyle changes.

After losing a loved one, even ordinary responsibilities can require more energy than they once did.

And while you're managing these practical demands, you're also adjusting emotionally.

Research suggests that stress can make procrastination more likely.

In a 2023 research review, psychologist Fuschia Sirois explained that stressful circumstances can strain our ability to cope with uncomfortable emotions. This may make it harder to follow through on tasks, even when we understand their importance.

By the end of the day, making one more decision may feel overwhelming.

You might postpone something important simply because you don't have the mental energy to deal with it. That's different from avoiding something because you're afraid.

Sometimes, you don't need more motivation. You need fewer demands competing for your attention.

What to try: Look at when you're asking yourself to make important decisions.

• Are you trying to plan your future late at night when you're already exhausted?
• Could you set aside a short period earlier in the day when you're more focused?
• Would it help to narrow several choices down to two realistic options?

And if you're genuinely overwhelmed, consider what can wait, what can be simplified, and where you might need additional support.

Rest and recovery are important, too. Moving forward doesn't mean pushing yourself beyond your limits.

4. You're Not Sure What Matters Most Anymore

Sometimes, procrastination happens because the goal itself isn't clear.

You may know you want something different. But different in what way?

After spending years focused on your marriage, children, career, or caregiving responsibilities, you may be unsure what you want for yourself.

Perhaps you're considering volunteering, returning to work, traveling, or developing a new hobby.

But nothing seems especially compelling. So you keep researching possibilities without choosing one.

The problem may not be a lack of discipline. It may be that you're trying to pursue a goal without understanding why it matters to you.

What to try: Instead of asking, "What should I be doing with my life?" consider asking, "What matters most to me in this season of my life?"

Perhaps you value connection, independence, creativity, contribution, or personal growth.

Once you understand what matters to you, it's easier to evaluate whether a particular activity deserves your time and energy.

You don't have to pursue something simply because it seems like the logical next step or because someone else thinks you should.

Your choices should reflect the life you want to create.

How to Recognize When You're Avoiding Something Important

Not every delay is procrastination.

Sometimes, waiting is the right decision.

You may need more information, time to recover, financial resources, or professional guidance before taking action.

And when you're grieving or adjusting to a major life change, giving yourself time can be an important part of your well-being.

The question isn't whether you're taking action quickly enough.

It's whether your decision to wait is helping you or keeping you from something that matters.

Here's one distinction I encourage you to consider:

Intentional waiting has a reason. Avoidance often has an excuse.

For example:

Intentional waiting might sound like:

"I'm going to postpone making this decision until I receive the information I need next Tuesday."

Avoidance might sound like:

"I'll deal with it when I feel more confident."

The first identifies a specific reason to wait.

The second depends on a feeling that may not arrive on its own.

Learning to recognize the difference can help you make more intentional choices.

Your Resilience Recharge: The Avoidance vs. Action Reflection

This week, I encourage you to think about one thing you've been putting off.

Not everything on your to-do list. Just one activity, decision, or opportunity that's important to you.

Then work through these four questions.

1. What am I putting off?

Be specific.

Instead of writing, "I need to get my life together," identify one activity or decision you've been avoiding.

For example:

"I've been putting off attending a local community event."

2. What am I afraid or uncomfortable about experiencing?

Consider the feelings associated with taking action.

• Maybe you're afraid of rejection.
• Perhaps you're worried about making a mistake.
• Or maybe you're exhausted and don't want another responsibility.

For example:

"I'm uncomfortable attending an event where I don't know anyone."

3. Is waiting helping me, or is it keeping me stuck?

Be curious rather than critical.

Do you have a practical reason to wait?

Or have you been postponing something because you're hoping the uncomfortable feelings will disappear?

For example:

"I've been waiting until I feel more confident, but staying home isn't helping me become more comfortable meeting new people."

4. What's one manageable way I can respond differently?

A clear plan makes it easier to recognize your opportunity to act.

Choose an action that respects your current circumstances while helping you move toward something important.

For example:

"I'll contact the event organizer to learn what to expect and ask whether newcomers are welcome."

Notice that the goal isn't to force yourself into an uncomfortable situation.

It's to understand what's holding you back and make a thoughtful choice about how to respond.

Research also shows that making a specific action plan can help turn good intentions into meaningful action.

Psychologists Peter Gollwitzer and Paschal Sheeran found that identifying when, where, and how you'll act can improve follow-through.

For example, instead of saying, "I'll try to meet new people," you might decide, "If it's Tuesday morning, I'll contact the community group and ask about their next gathering."

You Don't Have to Let Avoidance Make Your Decisions

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned through my own life-changing experiences is that we cannot always control what happens to us.

But we can learn to recognize how our thoughts, emotions, and choices influence what happens next.

Sometimes, moving forward means taking action.

Other times, it means giving yourself permission to rest, seek support, or reconsider a goal that no longer fits your life.

The important thing is to make those decisions intentionally rather than allowing fear, uncertainty, or habit to make them for you.

• You don't have to ignore your emotions.
• You don't have to rush through difficult transitions.
• And you don't have to prove your resilience by constantly accomplishing something.

Resilience includes learning when to move forward, when to pause, and how to make choices that support your well-being and the future you want to create.

A Final Thought

If you've been putting off something important, I encourage you to approach yourself with curiosity rather than criticism.

Instead of saying, "Why can't I just make myself do this?" ask:

"What is making this difficult for me right now?"

Your answer may reveal:

• a fear you haven't acknowledged
• an emotional need that deserves attention
• or a priority that needs to be reconsidered

And that understanding can help you decide what to do next.

Your past may have changed your life, but it doesn't have to determine your future.

You can begin again.

Not by forcing yourself to have everything figured out, but by learning to make intentional choices about what matters most to you.

Because moving forward isn't about doing everything. It's about choosing what matters and being willing to act on it. 

Are You Ready to Stop Feeling Stuck?

Sometimes, understanding what's holding you back is easier with someone who can help you see your situation from a different perspective.

Through iCope2Hope™ coaching, I help women experiencing unexpected life changes identify what's keeping them stuck, rediscover what matters most, and develop practical ways to move toward a more hopeful and fulfilling future.

You don't have to figure out every answer on your own.

Learn more about iCope2Hope™ coaching