When It's Time to Let Go: How to Spot Toxic Relationships

Have you ever walked through a garden and noticed a branch that looks healthy at first—but underneath, it’s brittle, draining the life from the rest of the plant?

Gardeners know what to do: prune it back so the healthy parts can thrive.

People? We struggle.
We hold on to unhealthy relationships far longer than we should—hoping, waiting, wishing things would change.

Let’s talk about why we do that, how it keeps us stuck, and how to make peace with necessary endings—especially when it comes to relationships that hold us back from flourishing after adversity.

The Branch That Won’t Bloom

After a life setback—loss, divorce, illness, betrayal—most of us crave connection more than ever.
We want people around us. We don’t want to feel alone. So we cling to what’s familiar, even if it’s not good for us anymore.

It’s understandable. I did it too.

Years ago, after a sudden divorce after 27 years of marriage, I thought I needed every relationship I had left. Even when some of them drained me dry.

I learned the hard way: not every connection helped me grow.

Some people are like dead branches—draining your energy, stunting your healing, stopping new life from sprouting.

This is the hopeful truth I discovered: when you learn to prune away what no longer serves you, you make space to find better connections.

What We Usually Try 

Here’s what many of us do in low-quality relationships:

• We try harder.
• We chase people who don’t show up for us.
• We shrink our needs.
• We settle for crumbs instead of healthy support.
• We hope maybe this time they’ll change.

Sound familiar? It did to me.

Here’s why it doesn’t work:

• Low-quality relationships don’t magically transform because you overextend yourself.
• People who don’t respect your boundaries won’t start overnight.
• Toxic patterns rarely heal without hard conversations and real change.

Sometimes, the best answer is a necessary ending.

How to Spot Low-Quality Relationships

Not sure if it’s time to prune? Here are a few signs that a relationship might be doing you more harm than good:

• You feel drained, not nourished. You dread interactions instead of looking forward to them.

• You can’t be your true self. You hide your feelings, your truth, or your needs to keep the peace.

• It’s one-sided. You give support, time, energy—but it’s rarely returned.

• You feel worse after contact. There’s constant drama, blame, guilt, or manipulation.

• Your growth feels stunted. You feel stuck, guilty for wanting more, or afraid to move on.

If any of these ring true, pause. Ask yourself: Is this relationship helping me flourish—or holding me back?

The Cost of Holding On

It's been said, what you don’t end, ends up ending you.

That sounds harsh, but think about it.

Staying in low-quality relationships costs you:

• Energy. You feel exhausted instead of empowered.

• Peace. You’re tangled in conflict instead of calm.

• Confidence. You doubt yourself instead of trusting your voice.

• Growth. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in old patterns.

And maybe the hardest cost of all: your hope.

When you cling to people who won’t grow with you, you block the path for healthier connections and new opportunities.

Necessary Endings: What They Really Mean

So what do you do when you realize a relationship needs to end?

First, remember: Necessary endings aren’t failures.
They’re acts of courage and self-respect.

Pruning a branch doesn’t mean the tree failed. It means you care enough about the healthy parts to protect them.

Necessary endings honor the good that was. They clear space for better things to bloom.

But… It’s Not Easy! I understand.

Letting go is simple to say—but oh, how hard it can be to do.

• You might fear being alone.
• You might feel guilty—Shouldn’t I try harder?
• You might doubt yourself—Maybe it’s my fault.

These fears are normal. I know because I felt them too.

Here’s what helped me: remembering that endings and beginnings are tied together.
Every door that closes frees you to open another.

A Path Through Hard Goodbyes

When you realize it’s time to let go of a draining relationship, you need a plan.
That’s where my iCope2Hope Resilience Framework comes in.
It’s the same process I teach in my book, Flourishing After Adversity, and it works for this too.

Here’s how it looks when you apply it to necessary endings.

Step 1: Develop a Growth Mindset

Instead of telling yourself “This relationship ending means I failed”, reframe it.

Ask:

• What can I learn here?

• How can I grow from this ending?

• What does this make space for in my life?

Radical acceptance is key.
You don’t have to like the ending. But acknowledging what’s out of your control (the person's behavior) sets you free to change what is in your control. 

Step 2: Discover Your Strengths

Necessary endings test your courage and reveal your hidden resilience.

Ask:

• What strengths did I use to get here?

• What boundaries did I hold firm on?

• How can I use these same strengths to build healthier connections?

Maybe it’s your honesty. Your compassion. Your ability to love deeply and wisely next time.

Step 3: Think Outside the Box

Often we fear, “If I let go, I’ll miss out on the good times.” But is it worth all the bad times?

When you end what drains you, you create room for what fills you.

Think creatively:

• What new communities can I join?

• Who can I connect with who shares my values?

• How can I invest my energy in nurturing high-quality relationships?

You’re not left empty-handed. You’re planting new seeds.

What High-Quality Relationships Look Like

As you prune away what’s unhealthy, look for relationships that feel like fresh water for your soul.

Healthy connections:

• Support your growth.

• Respect your boundaries.

• Offer mutual care and kindness.

• Make you feel seen and safe.

• Celebrate your wins and stand by you in losses.

When you find these people—hold them close. And show up for them too.

Put It in Action: A Gentle Ending Plan

If you suspect it’s time for a necessary ending, here’s a good place to start:

1️⃣ Reflect honestly. What parts of this relationship feel unhealthy? Where do you feel unseen or unheard?
2️⃣ Decide what you need. Do you need distance, clearer boundaries, or a full goodbye?
3️⃣ Plan your words. Be kind, clear, and respectful. Honor the good while protecting your peace.
4️⃣ Get support. Trusted friends, a counselor, or a coach can help you walk through it. You don’t have to do this alone.
5️⃣ Grieve and grow. Even necessary endings bring grief. Give yourself space to feel it—and then look forward to what’s next.

A Personal Note

I know the ache of endings. I know the fear that letting go brings.

But I also know this:
What you release creates space for what’s meant to grow next.

Necessary endings are not about loss—they’re about life.

So today, if you’re holding on to a branch that drains you, maybe it’s time to pick up the pruning shears.

Not out of anger or bitterness—but out of love for the healthy life you still have ahead.

You’re not too old. It’s not too late.

You can still flourish—lighter, freer, and surrounded by people who lift you up instead of weigh you down.

Ready to Flourish After Adversity?

If you’re walking through a hard ending right now, know that I’m here for you. My iCope2Hope coaching can help you take these small steps—one at a time.

You deserve high-quality relationships.
You deserve to grow strong and free.
You deserve to flourish.

If you’d like help figuring out what to prune, what to nurture, and how to start again—schedule a free clarity call with me here. Let’s find your path together.

Your next chapter is waiting—don’t be afraid to let the old one end.

You can do this!