Stop Giving Away Your Power and Losing Joy

Imagine standing in a room where everyone else seems to be holding the keys to your happiness.

A boss decides if your work matters.

A partner’s mood decides if your day goes well.

A parent’s words decide whether you feel “good enough.”

The Moment It Hit Me

For years, I lived like that too, handing pieces of my power to others without even realizing it.

It wasn’t until I faced multiple life-changing adversities in a short span of years that I finally understood. No one else can give me peace, purpose, or joy. That’s my job.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend put it bluntly in their book, It’s Not My Fault: “Stop giving away your power.”

It sounds simple, but in practice? It takes courage. And it takes a new framework for thinking and acting.

Why Giving Away Power Keeps You Stuck

We’ve all been there. Hoping, waiting, wishing someone else would change so we can finally move forward. But here's what I've learned:

• Hoping someone changes keeps you passive.

• Waiting for circumstances to improve leaves you powerless.

• Blaming others keeps you bitter instead of better.

Giving away power feels easier in the moment because it excuses you from action. But over time, it traps you in frustration, resentment, and despair.

The hard truth? Others may never change. But the empowering truth is this: you don’t have to wait for them to.

The Shift That Changes Everything

Power isn’t about controlling people or outcomes. It’s about remembering what is always yours to control:

• Your thoughts. The stories you tell yourself about what happened.

• Your words. The language you use to describe your situation.

• Your actions. The steps you take—even small ones—toward healing.

This is where resilience comes alive. And it’s why I created the iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework and the iCOPE Problem-Solving Method. They give you practical ways to take back the power you’ve unknowingly handed away.

Step 1: Develop a Growth Mindset

A fixed mindset says:

• “I can’t change.”

• “This is just how life is.”

• “I’ll never get past this.”

A growth mindset reframes the story:

• “This is hard, but I can learn.”

• “I don’t have to stay stuck.”

• “I can take one step, even if it’s small.”

Dr. Carol Dweck calls this “the power of yet.” You may not be where you want to be yet—but that doesn’t mean you never will.

Ask yourself:

• Where am I letting someone else’s choices dictate my worth?

• What’s one belief I can shift today from “I can’t” to “I can”?

Growth begins in the mind before it shows up anywhere else.

Step 2: Discover Your Superpowers

When you stop giving away power, you rediscover strengths you forgot you had. I call them your superpowers.

• Maybe you’re incredibly resourceful—you’ve solved hard problems before.

• Maybe you’re compassionate—able to listen and connect when others are hurting.

• Maybe you’re resilient—you’ve survived things you once thought would break you.

Your setbacks don’t erase these strengths. They reveal them.

Try this exercise:

• Write down three challenges you’ve overcome in the past.
• Under each one, list the character strengths you used to get through it.

Those strengths are still yours. They are part of the foundation you’ll use to reclaim your power now.

Step 3: Think Outside the Box

Resilience isn’t about returning to the old path. It’s about finding new ones.

When you stop waiting for someone else to change, you free yourself to explore other options:

• If a boss doesn’t value you, maybe it’s time to highlight your work differently—or consider a new role.

• If a relationship drains you, maybe it’s time for boundaries—or a necessary ending.

• If circumstances limit you, maybe it’s time to pivot instead of going down the same path.

Creativity is a form of power. It opens doors where others only see dead ends.

Where the iCOPE Problem Solving Method Fits

So how do you actually stop giving away your power in the heat of the moment? That’s where my iCOPE 5-Step Problem-Solving Method comes in.

1. Identify – Notice where you’ve handed over your power. Is it to a person, a situation, or a belief?

2. Choose – Decide what is in your control to move forward: your thoughts, words, and actions.

3. Outline – Brainstorm possible responses. Don’t stop at the obvious ones—list at least three.

4. Proceed – Take one small, concrete action. It could be as simple as changing your self-talk or saying no.

5. Evaluate – Reflect on what worked, what didn’t, and what you’ll try next time.

This process creates forward motion one small step at a time. And forward motion restores hope.

What Happens When You Take Back Your Power

When you stop giving your power away, everything shifts:

• Confidence grows. You realize you’re not stuck—you’re choosing.

• Boundaries strengthen. You stop tolerating what drains you.

• Hope returns. You see options you couldn’t see before.

• Resilience deepens. You discover you can face hard things without crumbling.

Most importantly—you begin to flourish again.

Common Myths About Power

Before you walk away, let’s bust three myths that keep people from reclaiming their power:

• Myth 1: Taking back power makes me selfish.
  No, setting boundaries and choosing growth isn’t selfish. It’s healthy.

• Myth 2: I’ll hurt people if I stop giving them control.
  Maybe. But staying stuck only hurts you, and prevents healthier relationships from forming.

• Myth 3: If I take responsibility, it means what happened was my fault.
  Not at all. Taking responsibility for your choices now is how you move forward, no matter how unfair the past was.

Put It in Action

Here are three practical steps you can take today:

1. Journal Prompt: Who or what am I waiting on to change before I can move forward?

2. Power Statement: Write one “I CAN” sentence about your next step. Example: “I can choose how I respond to my boss, even if she never notices my work.”

3. Small Action: Take one step: make a call, set a boundary, or change your self-talk.

A Final Word

Stop giving away your power.

Your happiness is too important to leave in the hands of someone else’s choices.

• You can choose growth.
• You can rediscover your superpowers.
• You can think outside the box and build a new path forward.

The moment you stop waiting is the moment you start flourishing. You can do this!