The Mindset Shift That Turns Setbacks Into Strength

Imagine you’re walking uphill with a heavy backpack. You keep looking at the peak and thinking how far you still have to go. The climb feels endless.

That’s what living in the Gap feels like. You focus on what’s missing, the job you lost, the relationship that ended, the health you no longer have. The more you stare at the gap, the heavier life feels.

But what happens when you stop, turn around, and look at the trail behind you? You see the distance you’ve already covered. The strength it took to get here. That’s living in the Gain. 

The Trap of Measuring What’s Missing

In their book The Gap and The Gain, authors Dr. Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan describe this mindset shift as the difference between frustration and fulfillment. It’s not about lowering goals — it’s about changing how you measure success.

After loss, illness, or upheaval, it’s easy to measure life by what you’ve lost. But when you focus on how far you’ve come, you begin to see your own resilience. And that’s the first step to healing.

This perspective is at the heart of my iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework and iCOPE Problem-Solving Method. These tools help you stop living in the gap and start moving forward, even when life looks nothing like you imagined.

Let’s walk through three key takeaways from The Gap and The Gain and how to apply them using practical, step-by-step resilience tools you can implement today. 

1. Measure Backward, Not Forward

Hardy and Sullivan’s first principle is simple:

“Always measure backward, from where you were to where you are now.”

When you measure forward, you compare yourself to an ideal version of life that doesn’t exist yet. It creates frustration and shame. When you measure backward, you realize how much progress you’ve already made.

Why It Matters After Adversity

When life changes unexpectedly — divorce, illness, or loss — your brain becomes fixated on what used to be. You think, “I should be farther along by now.” But progress after trauma isn’t linear. It comes in small, uneven steps.

Measuring backward helps you acknowledge the strength it took to survive the hardest days. It builds confidence for the road ahead.

How to Apply This Using the iCope2Hope Framework

Step 1: Develop a Growth Mindset to Conquer Change.
When you measure backward, you train your mind to see growth instead of gaps. Instead of asking, “Why am I not healed yet?” ask, “What have I learned that I didn’t know before?”

Step 2: Discover Your Superpowers to Overcome Challenges.
Every obstacle you’ve faced has revealed hidden strengths. Courage. Patience. Creativity. These are your “gains.” Write them down. They’re proof that you’ve already grown stronger than you realize.

Step 3: Think Outside the Box to Uncover Opportunities.
Your past progress shows you what’s possible. Ask yourself: “How can I use what I’ve learned to help someone else or create something new?” That question turns pain into purpose. 

Put It in Action

• Write down three challenges you’ve faced in the past year.

• Next to each one, list one thing that’s easier for you now because of it.

• Keep that list where you’ll see it every morning.

Each time you glance at it, you’re reminded that your progress counts, even if it’s invisible to others.

2. Happiness Comes from Gratitude and Progress, Not Perfection

Hardy and Sullivan explain that happiness isn’t tied to reaching a perfect end point. It’s tied to gratitude, noticing progress, no matter how small.

Why It Matters After Adversity

When you’ve lost something precious, gratitude might feel impossible. But gratitude isn’t denial, it’s balance. It helps your mind focus on what’s still good and what’s still yours to influence.

Gratitude activates a part of your brain that restores calm. From there, you can think clearly again and make choices rooted in strength instead of fear. 

How to Apply This Using the iCOPE Problem-Solving Method

The iCOPE Method gives structure to gratitude and forward movement:

1. Identify the Issue.
   What’s the current situation stealing your peace? Write it out.

2. Control What’s Controllable.
   You can’t change the past. You can control your thoughts, your words, your actions, and how you'll respond to your situation.

3. Outcomes – Best, Worst, and Most Likely.
   Naming fears lessens their power. Once they’re written, they’re no longer swirling inside you.

4. Plan Small, Achievable Steps.
   Choose one thing within your control today. Maybe it’s making a call, taking a walk, or journaling.

5. Evaluate and Adapt.
   At the end of each day, reflect on what worked and what didn’t. Adjust as you go.

Put It in Action

• Each evening, write down one small thing you accomplished.

• Then add one thing you’re grateful for.

Maybe it’s “I got out of bed today” or “A friend texted to check in.”

Progress + gratitude = gain.

This combination rewires your brain to see what’s possible again.

3. Growth Is an Inner Game

The final takeaway from The Gap and The Gain is that real growth is internal. Success isn’t about applause or approval, it’s about alignment. Are your choices matching your values?

When your identity becomes grounded in who you’re becoming, not what’s happening around you, resilience grows naturally.

Why It Matters After Adversity

After loss, it’s easy to feel defined by what broke. You might think, “I’m no longer who I used to be.” That’s true — and it’s not a bad thing. Growth means you’re different. You’re wiser. You’re learning to live from the inside out.

How to Apply The 3-Step Resilience Framework and iCOPE Method Together

• Step 1: Growth Mindset: Replace judgment with curiosity. Ask, “What is this challenge trying to teach me?”

• Step 2: Superpowers: Identify one inner strength that hardship revealed. Maybe it’s compassion, resourcefulness, or faith.

• Step 3: Creative Thinking: Look for meaning. How has this experience shifted what matters most to you?

Now apply the iCOPE 5-Step Problem-Solving Method:

1. Identify the tension between who you were and who you’re becoming.

2. Control the inner voice, speak to yourself with encouragement, not criticism.

3. Outline your best, worst, and most-likely outcomes.

4. Plan one small act that aligns with your core values.

5. Evaluate and adapt, inner growth is lifelong work.

Put It in Action

Redefine success for this season of your life. Maybe it’s peace instead of productivity. Maybe it’s connection instead of perfection.

Ask yourself at the end of each day:

“Did I act in a way that honors who I want to be?”

If the answer is yes, you’re in the gain.

What Most People Try That Doesn’t Work

Here’s what many do when facing setbacks:

• They wait to feel “ready.”

• They chase the past, hoping things will go back to normal.

• They compare their pain to others.

• They measure progress by outside approval.

Those habits keep you stuck in the Gap.

Here’s what I learned the hard way: you don’t heal by rewinding your life, you heal by reimagining it. You move forward not by waiting for clarity, but by acting with courage, one small step at a time.

Bringing It All Together

The iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework gives you the mindset to grow after change.
The iCOPE 5-Step Problem-Solving Method gives you the structure to act on it.
Together, they transform “someday” into today.

When you combine them with the principles from The Gap and The Gain, you build a daily practice of gratitude, progress, and self-trust.

Your Next Step

You don’t need to fix your whole life this week.
Just start by asking one question each morning:

“What’s one gain I can recognize today?”

Maybe it’s your strength to get out of bed. Your courage to set a boundary. Your ability to keep showing up.

That’s where resilience begins: one gain, one day, one choice at a time.

If You Remember Nothing Else, Remember This:

• The gap keeps you focused on what’s missing.

• The gain helps you see what’s growing.

• Resilience isn’t about avoiding pain. It’s about finding purpose inside it.

You can start living in the gain today, and that’s how healing takes root.

When you're ready to see if this is the right path for you, book a free 15-min Clarity Call with me here.