How to Find the Third Option When Life Feels Impossible

Karrie sat at her desk, staring at a blank job application on her laptop, and a calendar marked when her biopsy results might be in.

She was torn between two heavy realities.

An ideal elementary teaching position had just opened up, the kind she’d been waiting years for. But she was also waiting on breast cancer test results that would determine whether she needed a lumpectomy or chemo treatments with radiation.

If she applied and got the job, she might have to resign soon after. If she didn’t apply, she’d lose the income she desperately needed.

“I don’t know what to do,” she frantically told me during our coaching session. “It feels like no matter what I choose, I lose.”

When Life Hands You an Impossible Choice

That’s where The 3rd Alternative by Stephen R. Covey comes in. His principle isn’t just about conflict resolution, it’s about transformation. Covey teaches that when we’re trapped between two difficult paths, there’s almost always a third way, one that doesn’t force us to sacrifice hope for reality.

Karrie didn’t see it yet, but she wasn’t out of options. She just needed to learn how to see them differently.

The Choice Trap: When Either/Or Keeps You Stuck

Most of us face moments like Karrie’s.

A career change. A diagnosis. A divorce.
Something happens that divides your choices into two opposing directions. Do you stay or leave? Push forward or pull back? Say yes or no?

This kind of either/or thinking creates pressure and fear. You start to believe your life can only move forward if you pick the “right” side. But that mindset keeps you frozen in indecision, and it blocks creativity, faith, and peace.

Stephen Covey calls this the false dilemma, when you believe you must choose between two options that both feel wrong. His solution: The 3rd Alternative.

Instead of my way or your way, it’s our way.
Instead of all or nothing, it’s something new.

It’s not about compromise. It’s about creation.

There’s Always a Better Way

Covey’s first lesson is simple but revolutionary, there’s always a better way than the ones you see right now.

When you feel trapped, your brain automatically searches for control: “If I pick this, I’ll lose that.” The fear of loss makes you cling to limited options.

But real resilience begins when you pause long enough to ask, What else could be possible here?

That’s what Karrie did. We looked at her options through the lens of the iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework:

1. Develop a Growth Mindset to Conquer Change.
   Instead of assuming she had to choose between working or healing, Karrie chose to believe there might be more than one right answer.
   She asked herself, What’s within my control right now? That question shifted everything.

2. Discover Your Superpowers to Overcome Challenges.
   Karrie was creative and resourceful. She loved watercolor painting, furniture restoration, and making painted dragonflies out of ceiling fan blades. Those weren’t just hobbies, they were skills.
   Together, we explored how those strengths could become new sources of income or joy during recovery.

3. Think Outside the Box to Uncover Opportunities.
   That’s when the 3rd Alternative came to life.
   Instead of choosing between applying or waiting, she decided to inquire about a substitute teacher position, something flexible that could adjust to her treatment schedule if needed.
   She also explored starting a YouTube channel to teach her crafts and share hope with others.

For the first time in weeks, Karrie’s face lit up. She realized she didn’t have to live in fear of choosing wrong. There was room for both healing and purpose.

That’s the heart of the 3rd Alternative—hope through creativity.

Shift From Competition to Collaboration

Covey’s second insight reminds us that synergy starts with three inner shifts:

1. I see myself.

2. I see you.

3. I seek you out.

It’s about moving from defensiveness to connection. Whether you’re navigating a relationship conflict, a medical crisis, or an internal tug-of-war, you can’t find the third way alone.

Karrie didn’t have to. She invited trusted voices—her doctor, her family, and me as her coach—into the conversation. She let go of the pressure to solve everything herself and opened up to collaboration.

That’s what transformed her decision-making.

When she began to see her situation as a team effort, not a solo battle, options multiplied. Her courage grew. So did her peace.

How to Practice Collaboration in Your Own Life

Here’s how you can apply Covey’s principle using the iCOPE 5-Step Problem-Solving Method:

1. IDENTIFY the issue:
   Be honest about the real problem, not just the surface fear.
   Karrie’s issue wasn’t only whether to apply for a job; it was how to create stability and purpose during uncertainty.

2. CONTROL what you can:
   She couldn’t control her test results. But she could control her communication, her time, and her creativity.

3. Outcomes – Best, Worst, and Most Likely:
   We walked through each possibility. Best case: she could apply for the teaching position while waiting for results. Worst case: she'd continue her part-time minimum wage job and move in with her sister's family while waiting for results. Most-likely case: she could apply to substitute teach while still working her part-time job, research starting a YouTube Channel and teaching watercolor painting, sell furniture she's restored, and other options.  Each scenario gave her clarity instead of panic.

4. Plan Small, Achievable Steps:
   She called the school about substitute openings. She began recording short craft tutorials. Small steps, big relief.

5. Evaluate and Adapt:
   When her test results came back, she had options ready, no matter what the outcome.

This process didn’t remove her fear, but it gave her agency. That’s how resilience grows, through action, not avoidance. 

Synergy Transforms Problems into Growth

Covey defines synergy as when “1 + 1 = 3 or more.”
In other words, when two opposing forces come together, they create something better than either could alone.

You’ve probably seen this in your own life.
A painful ending becomes a doorway.
A loss teaches you compassion.
A delay gives you space for a new dream.

Karrie’s situation didn’t resolve overnight. But what grew from it was far richer than any single choice could have offered.

She found part-time teaching work that fit her energy level. Her art channel gained followers who found strength in her transparency. Most importantly, she felt hopeful again—because she had learned how to think differently.

That’s the beauty of the 3rd Alternative. It turns what looks like a dead end into a doorway.

And it’s the same transformation I teach through my iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework.

What Most People Try That Doesn’t Work

When adversity hits, most people fall into one of two traps:

1. The Fight Trap: They force a decision before they’re ready. They rush to control what can’t be controlled.

2. The Freeze Trap: They avoid all decisions and wait for clarity that never comes.

Neither approach leads to peace. Both stem from fear.

The 3rd Alternative invites a different response: Pause and create.

When you’re caught between two hard choices, step back. Breathe.
Ask:

• “What new possibility hasn’t been considered yet?”

• “If I stopped trying to win, what could I learn?”

• “How could this situation be both painful and purposeful?”

That’s how resilience begins—by giving your mind space to find meaning.

How to Practice Everyday Resilience

Let’s translate Covey’s wisdom into your daily life using my proven iCope2Hope Resilience Framework.

1. Develop a Growth Mindset to Conquer Change

• Accept what’s out of your control (radical acceptance).

• Focus on what is in your control.

• Replace “I can’t” with “I can.”

Example: Instead of saying, “I can’t move forward until I know,” try “I can take one step today while I wait.”

2. Discover Your Superpowers to Overcome Challenges

Your strengths—creativity, compassion, humor, resourcefulness—are not random. They’re tools for resilience.
Ask yourself:

• “What strength has helped me through something hard before?”

• “How can I use it again now?”

3. Think Outside the Box to Uncover Opportunities

When nothing seems to fit, it’s time to create a new path.
That might mean combining skills, reaching out for collaboration, or saying yes to something smaller that leads to something bigger.

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.

Using the iCOPE Problem Solving Method When Life Gets Hard

When everything feels like too much, structure helps. The iCOPE Problem Solving Method gives you that structure.

• I – Identify the Issue.
  Name what’s really happening. Avoid the “story” about it; stick to facts.

• C – Control What You Can.
  Write down three things you can influence this week. Let go of the rest.

• O – Outcomes.
  List the best, worst, and most likely outcomes. It shrinks fear into something manageable.

• P – Plan Small Steps.
  Start with something you can do in ten minutes or less.

• E – Evaluate and Adapt.
  Check in weekly. Adjust what’s not working. Celebrate what is.

When you use this process consistently, your confidence grows. You stop reacting, and start responding.

Bridging the 3rd Alternative and the iCope2Hope Systems

Covey’s ideas and my iCope2Hope Systems are like two puzzle pieces that fit together.

• His 3rd Alternative is about discovering new options.

• My iCope2Hope Resilience Framework is about building the mindset and taking action steps to follow through on those options.

• The iCOPE Problem Solving Method ensures that creativity turns into momentum, not chaos.

Together, they form a roadmap for everyday resilience, especially for those navigating midlife change, health setbacks, or loss.

When the Storm Passes

A few months after Karrie’s results came back, she called me for an update.
Her voice was light, steady.

She had the lumpectomy and didn’t need chemo after all, only radiation and follow-up care. She was teaching art to children a few days a week and selling her handmade dragonflies online.

She said, “I realized something. I didn’t have to wait for life to calm down before I started living again.”

That’s the gift of the 3rd Alternative.
It reminds us that the life we want might not look like the one we planned—but it can still be beautiful.

How to Practice the 3rd Alternative this Week

Try this simple reflection exercise:

1. Think about one decision you’ve been avoiding.

2. Write down the two options you keep bouncing between.

3. Then ask, “What would a third alternative look like?”

   • What’s another way to meet both needs?

   • Who could help you find it?

   • What’s one step you could take today?

You might be surprised by what you discover when you stop forcing a decision and start inviting creativity.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Everyday Synergy

Resilience isn’t just about surviving what happened, it’s about reimagining what’s possible.

The 3rd Alternative and the iCope2Hope Systems share one truth: you are never truly out of options. Even in uncertainty, there’s always room for faith, flexibility, and growth.

Like Karrie, you can find new ways to move forward.
You can turn pain into purpose and fear into focus.
You can live again, with hope, creativity, and confidence.

And it starts with one question:
What if there’s another way you haven’t thought of yet?

Put It in Action

• What “either/or” decision are you facing today?

• Which part of your situation is within your control?

• Who could you reach out to for a fresh perspective?

• What small step could you take to create your own third alternative?

Ready to find your 3rd Alternative?

If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck and start seeing new possibilities, I invite you to schedule a 15-minute Clarity Call with me here.